Plunge for Distance - An Olympic Event for Fat Men

I'm convinced that none of the Olympians eat. Every single person that graces the TV screen during the Olympic coverage looks like, well, an Olympic athlete. Where are all the fat people? Most of the Olympic events that have lasted this far have had an emphasis on being better, faster and stronger, and that makes it super hard to be fat.

To find all the fat Olympians we have to hop back into our time machine and head to, where else? The 1900 Olympics. Wait, we went too far... we are actually headed to the 1904. If the time machine you were traveling in has tires, I hope you imagined the sound of tires squealing as you hit the time travel brakes. If your time machine is some other sort of vehicle, I hope you thought of a corresponding sound effect.

The 1904 Olympics took place in St. Louis, Missouri. Of course an Olympics in the United States had an event for fat people. Well, not necessarily on purpose. Plunging for distance was a fairly popular sport at the time. Basically, it involves diving in a pool and floating/coasting as far as possible. Participants were not allowed to kick their feet or move their hands. The only movements that are allowed are subtle movements of the waist or wrists to steer.

Gerald Barnes presented a comprehensive explanation of the event, including tips for getting the most distance in his book: Swimming and Diving. His tips actually make me want to jump in a pool and see how far I can float before someone jumps in thinking that I have drowned. But actually, his explanation of how to do it are so comprehensive that I think I may be able to win gold. I could copy and past his words but it might be better for you to just click the link and read it.

There are a few issues with my desire to win gold in the event. Mainly, the outrageous distances that have been covered and the fact that the event no longer is involved in the Olympics. The record for the longest plunge is held by British swimmer F.W. Parrington, with a dive of 86 feet. 86! Keep in mind, plunging involves no motion other than the initial momentum of your dive. Picture F.W. diving in, and once the initial momentum of his dive is gone, just kind of floating at the top of the water holding his breath until he reached his record breaking distance. How long did he hold his breath? Long enough that they had to make a new rule. After F.W. set the record, all official plunge events required that plungers be measured at 60 seconds. I just tried to hold my breath and gasped for air at about 25 seconds. I would stand no chance.

Especially because I am not fat. Wait, what? Did you even read Gerald Barnes' explanation of the sport I linked before? Basically the first thing he mentioned was that this is hardly a sport, that "nine out of ten successful plungers are mere mountains of fat that fall in the water more or less successfully". In fact, most descriptions I could find of F.W. Parrington, arguably the most successful plunger in history, included phrases like "barrel chested" and "big boned".

You can see him here, while it is hard to see how big he actually is here, it is interesting to note how many people are actually there watching him plunge. Besides requiring little to no athletic ability, plunge for distance was not very exciting to watch. Before the rule change that required plungers to be stopped after 1 minute, spectators essentially watched someone float on the top of the water as if they had drowned for upwards of 3 minutes at a time. No wonder it lost its spot in the Olympics. I can't say for certain whether it will ever regain popularity or reinstatement (with synchronized divers flipping a thousand times before entering the pool, I would rather they make synchronized diving teams 10 or 12 members than watch someone simply dive in and float for a while).

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Note: I started this real late one night and worked on it randomly throughout the next few days. If it seems really scatterbrained it is because it is. I apologize for this one and promise to at least try to post better things in the future. As a reward for you sitting through this I will post a link to a website that allows you to see which athlete at the Olympics shares your body type.

Recommended listening while reading: Float On by Modest Mouse